Stay Close, Don't Go
by BabyJane14
Summary: She was the innocent angel who’d fallen from grace, recovered then jumped off of the empire state building face first. There was no turning back from how deep she was in now. Life as both herself and everyone around her knew it was changed and over.
1. Like A Knife

I hope you enjoy it and you let me know if you do or not. It's just something that randomly came to me and I have to say that i'm pretty pround if it. Make syre you let me know what you think! the song at the end is Secondhand Serenade's Like A Knife

The Hampton house was Serena's favorite place to be in the summer time. The way the sun shown in threw the cracked glass of the in closed sun room, the ocean's cool sound and feel only ten feet away from the back exit. Normally Serena's shimmering, flawless features were glistening with beauty and joy as she hopped around bare foot in the scorching hot sand.

That wasn't the case as the slender blonde leaned over the porcelain toilet emptying the remains of her stomach for the second time that morning, third time that week. Finishing up she pushed the rest of her gold locks to the side and leaned her head against the cool wall. Her mind was so full that she'd rather just shut off then consider more then half of it.

"Hey, are you ok?"

Nate's voice asked as he walked into the green and god bathroom holding a water bottle before setting it down on the counter and sitting himself down right next to her.

They'd been at the house for three weeks and Serena hadn't been herself once. Nate knew right away that there was something wrong with her, something besides the fact that Dan hadn't contacted her since the wedding. For that Nate could have very easily told Dan what a self centered ass hole he was. But under Serena's wishes he kept his mouth shut and held her when she cried.

"I'm fine, it must have just been something I ate last night. No big deal."

As she spoke Nate couldn't help but shake his head as he handed her the water bottle to take a sip from. He knew better then how she talked, it wasn't just food poisoning. Food poisoning didn't happen three days in a row, it didn't make your chest look as though it doubled in size over night, it didn't enhance your capability of smelling clam cakes baking from down the street either. Yet as Serena stood up from her crumpled spot on the floor and took her head off his shoulder to walk to the mirrored medicine closet he didn't stop her. His eyes lingered on her as she opened the closet taking her morning's percentage of pills from their special casings, one Tylenol for her headache, anti nausea's little yellow pill, a Lexapro for her sinking feeling that came a la Dan, Xanax to hide her anxiety, a Valium for the hell of it, and the tiny pink birth control.

He watched her swallow the array of pills in her hand. With the condition he was so sure she was denying he knew it couldn't have been the right thing to be doing. Loading herself up with a number of narcotics to numb both her pain and her mind. Each little tablet showed remnants of her painful past and a foreshadowing of a storm to come in the not so distant future.

As Serena stood with her back to him she could feel his eyes burning into her back.

"I'm fine Natie, you can stop now. I swear I'm ok."

Turning around now the hot tears were well exposed again in her normally crystal clear eyes, they'd been like that for days. The last time she'd remember feeling so broken and defenseless was after Pete had OD'd on the night of the Shepherd wedding. Overdosing on Coke, a substance part of her wished she could get her hands on. Her cravings were back. Her cravings for something to make it all better, to make her forget the things she'd lost.

"Serena don't lie, I can see your falling apart. If you won't let me in I can't make any of it ok. We've been down this road once before. The three of us trying to make you better. Come on S, it's just you and I. You know that you can tell me."

His warm voice tried to coax as he placed a protective hand on her back. Her back was knotted, the tension had made her rigid. Like if he placed his hand in the wrong spot she'd break into a million pieces. Nate wasn't to sure that wasn't the case.

"How about I just need you to hold me, maybe kiss me… carry me to my room and make me forget about everything that happened this year."

This wasn't the Serena he knew, she wasn't herself, only to confirm it by her hands snaking their way to his back and a line down to his butt. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and tried as hard as she could to get him to respond to the light delicate kisses. He quivered under her touch without wanting to. She'd always had the effect on him, he wanted to put his hands all over her body. To kiss her and make love to her all day long, but, Nate couldn't do that. He was to much of a caring respectable guy to do that to her.

Serena closed her eyes hard as she let the salt mixture fall from her eyes and she moved her hand to the front of Nate's Abercrombie button down. Slowly she fingered and unbuttoned all of the buttons as she left butterfly kisses on each new patch of skin she uncovered. His hands were on her shoulders as he didn't respond the way she wanted him to. She wanted him to kiss her, she needed to pretend he was Dan and have him make her comfortable for the night. Comfortable was something she hadn't been since the night Dan had called it quits on her.

"Serena, stop"

He whispered in her ear as she managed to get his shirt off and onto the ground. Her behavior was reckless and uncontrollable to an extreme and as her lips and teeth worked in spots on his neck and chest. He was going to have marks all over just from her need to escape.

"I need this Nate, I need you to help me make it all stop."

Her normally strong unafraid voice was shaky and broken as she attempted to move her hands down to the buttons of his True Religion jeans. If Nate had been lesser of the man that he was he'd have had her Betsy Johnson negligee wide open to expose one of the many things that gave away her forming secret more then easily. He was a guy of course and they were tempting. But he knew that her body didn't belong to him.

"Don't do this Serena, you don't know what your doing or what your saying. Just stop doing this."

He said shaking his head as Serena dropped her hands from his shorts and moved back away from him for a moment only long enough to take the shear fabric of her nightgown off over her head and let it drop to the floor. She felt his eyes linger exactly where she knew they would.

"You want me Natie, I know you want me"

Husky and low she nearly growled at him as he moved closer to his and out of habit his hands found her hips, her body pressed closer to him, and his lips found hers. For the moment in time she felt captured as everything around her melted away.

There was no talking, his hands weren't grabby as they remained stationary on her hips. However, her kisses were biting and rageful. He could feel a bubble of blood from where she'd seemed to have tried to bit a hole threw his lip.

"No Serena, we can't do this, you can't do this"

He shook his head in between her mess of swollen kisses. This was what almost every morning of their Hampton escape had been like. Her trying and heartbreaking attempts at trying to get away from the turns that her life had taken, he wanted to fix it. There was no fixing it.

Hands of the most delicate perfect touch eased themselves below the waistline of his Calvin Cline boxers, a place he wasn't exactly comfortable with her going. He had to fight to keep every bit of exposure he had.

"Serena, No"

As gentle and as forceful as he could he spoke up to her an took her by her fragile wrists. Holding her wrists he placed her shaky hands to his heart and pulled her nearly completely exposed body to him protectively and closely. He kissed the top of her blonde head as the convulsing began.

"I can't… I can't do it Natie, I need him. I can't do it"

She began to sob and convulse in shaking sobs as she pressed her body to him and held her arms so tightly around his neck. He could see every inch of worry and deceit that filled her huge navy blues. She was scared. She felt alone and abandoned, as if her life would never recover. And the truth was, Nate knew that it would never recover from what was going on.

Serena hadn't wanted it to be this way, she was planning on spending the summer bribing Dan to go to Paris with her. To stand under the Eiffel Tower and make out till the sun had gone to rest for the day. Then they'd go back to the hotel room and spend the rest of this night in utter bliss. Nate's arms held her close and tight as he kissed the up of her head over and over.

"I'm scared Natie, I'm so scared."

The last time he'd felt her shake so bad was when her father walked out leaving a young Serena with Lily and Eric all alone. It killed him, the fact that he couldn't fix her this time. A bowl of ice cream wasn't going to make her better.

As he picked up her light warn out body he carried her over to the sink and with one hand reached for the container of Valium and the other of Xanax. Taking one more of both the pills out of both he placed them in her mouth and held the water to pour in her mouth. Making sure she'd swallow the relaxers he prayed that they'd work and she'd calm down a little that her tears would stop.

Smoothing her hair back with his hand he kissed her forehead over and over as she held on tightly to him. He wanted to make it all go away for her. She wanted to rewind time and have Dan be holding her and kissing her. Nate knew what she needed to do, regardless if it made her more broken then she was already.

"Serena you need to take the test, You need to know for sure if you're pregnant."

I did a lot, I know you say  
I've got to get away.  
"The world is not yours for the taking"  
Is all you ever say.  
I know I'm not the best for you,  
But promise that you'll stay.  
'Cause if I watch you go,  
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

'Cause today, you walked out of my life  
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife  
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain  
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.  
These streets are filled with memories  
Both good for detected pain  
And all I wanna do is love you  
But I'm the only one to blame.

'Cause today, you walked out of my life  
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife  
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving  
All you did was stop the bleeding.  
But these scars will stay forever,  
These scars will stay forever  
And these words have no meaning  
If we cannot find the feeling  
That we held on to together  
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,  
Or watch me bleed,  
I need you just to breathe.

'Cause today, you walked out of my life  
(stay with me, or watch me bleed)  
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife  
(i need you just to breathe.)  
I'm not living this life


	2. vulnerable

Author's note: so Review for chapter one didn't go as I hoped But I still can't stop writing. give it a chance you never know what you'll find. Yes, the song is yet another by Secondhand Serenade it's called Vulnerable. enjoy!

Two Xanax, two Laxapro, two Valium, four Tylenol, a nausea pill. The rainbow in her hand was still not enough to decrease the shooting pain that stormed it's self in her mind. She was full of terror and worry, just plain hurt. The only person to even so much as possibly make it better didn't want to hear from her. She'd never felt so alone in her life. Regardless of how Nate doted on her every second. She took five of the pills at a time, swallowing them down with Chateau Lafite, a red wine she normally would have pushed to the back of the chiller.

Nate had taken liberty to hide anything stronger then that, after her irresponsible and careless mishaps with trying to swallow every pill in her birth control package at the same time. Nate had nearly shoved his fingers down her throat till she'd regurgitated them. She was shaking in uncontrollable sobs as he flushed the remnants of the little pink pills down the toilet that fateful day last week.

The memory of the previous week made her feeble again. Like it was all happening all over, it was the first day he'd trusted her to get up by herself since. He'd been carrying her to the bathroom then back to the bed for a straight week. Serena had never seen Nate as patient as he was and maybe if she wasn't still so in love with Dan she would have tried harder to love him.

The moment the plastic applicator and dropped from her hands and her face had turned sheet white both herself and Nate had known that keeping her from being irrational was going to be an arduous task. Though nether one of them could have or would have predicted that she'd be so reckless and out of it from the start. The dash for the birth control had begun her spiral, and Nate knew that after he'd gotten the pills out of her throat and she'd collapsed into a warn out paralysis it wasn't going to be easy to stop.

"You look like shit"

The blonde sneered at herself in the mirror as she picked at her puffy eyed reflection. Though the most she'd been doing was sleeping she had enormous bags under her eyes, her hair looked stringy, her skip pailed in comparison that of its usual honey bronzed summer tan.

"You don't look like shit, you look like you've been to hell and back. But you don't look like shit. Not if you tried you could. You're to beautiful Serena. Stop trying to tell you're self otherwise."

His voice was gentle and soothing as he leaned against the door frame with his hand out for her to grab onto.

"Lets go sit in the sun for a little while, if you don't come willingly I'm going to pick you up and carry you there anyways so you may as well just take my hand."

Serena gave him a look at could have been marked as a death glare as she whipped her hands on the grey shorts he'd dressed her in an hour previous. It was like she'd melted back to being a child. Nate was there every time she turned around. He'd clothed her, bathed her, and forced her to eat everyday for the past week. Without Nate there god only knew what Serena would have done.

Nate was like her Jiminy Cricket, he wouldn't let her make any irrational decisions because he knew she'd regret them. It wasn't in Serena to do what she had often suggested during the week. She loved Dan to much to just throw it away. Some of it Serena suspected to be out of his own guilt, himself feeling bad for being so irrational to Blair when she'd had her own scare. Though this wasn't a scare, this was actually happening.

"Natie, why don't you just give up on me already? I'm ruining your summer. Go take the boat out, go sailing for a few hours I'll be just fine by myself."

The look in his eyes he knew she was only talking a lie. He knew that if he left her god only knew what she would do. What harmful thing she'd put into her system. Rather then listening to another one of her broken lies or holding his hand out anymore he walked to her, picking her up over his shoulder as her legs dangled in back of him and her arms clawed at his shirt not to fall.

"Natie! Put me down"

It was for a brief second his Serena who's voice he wanted so badly to hear shown threw as he swung her around the empty high ceiling family room. Like when they were little kids. He put her down and she took off running without shoes right out the sliding door. Nate ran chasing after her as she frolicked threw the hot sand and flung herself into the ocean. Letting the salty waves crash over her head as she smiled and let go of all of her animosities.

As he got into the ocean with her he once again picked her up throwing her playfully into the waves as they both screamed with laughter. This was the way it should have been for them from the beginning. Letting out all of there terror and everything held in they played like children with no tomorrow in the ocean's waves.

Nate knew it wouldn't last long as her eyes still flickered with there sad longing expression. He wasn't who she wanted him to be and it was ok with him, but he wanted to make her better. He wanted Dan to come to his senses already and realize that Serena depended on him. Words 'I love you' meant a hell of a lot more to Serena then anyone would have though. Dan alone should have known that.

They played like old times for nearly an hour, Nate tossing Serena around in the rolling waves, floating on their backs, racing one another to the sand. She'd felt good for the first time since before the wedding, like she was nearly living again. She continued to bask in the sun's dazzling intense light letting the falling sun draw her out in all glory as he watched her closely, worried about her slip ups. As the sun started to hide it's self behind the clouds he called to her and put his hand out. Wanting to protect her from the cold and biting mosquitoes, mosquitoes had always attracted them selves to her delicate blood.

Like the wayward child she had been acting like since the test she obeyed and came out with her tank top and shorts sticking to her from the had day's play in the ocean's cool waves. Soon as she was out her reached for her pulling her into a warm hug and kissing her temple as she shivered against him, a partial smile still glued to her face.

"I'm proud of you today Serena"

He whispered to her as she broke away from simply taking his hand and swinging it playfully.

"Serena, dinner's done… will you come down here already?"

Nate called up the winding stair case, he'd left her all alone for an hour due to her good behavior threw out the day. But when her voice didn't respond back right away he started to worry. She was to quiet. Serena's behavior wasn't to be trusted at any point in the day.

"Serena answer me"

He called more frantic as he walked up the stairs two at a time. It was points like this he felt the need to give Lily props for raising Serena. As much as he loved her he knew how complicated she was. Of course Blair was difficult, but she was blatantly course and bold. Serena on the other hand froze herself off from the world. She withdrew and tried to disappear from sight so she wouldn't pull anyone else down with her. She acted like a burden to herself and those around her when all anyone wanted to do was make it better. She's been like this before the Shepherd wedding, slowly getting worse and worse till everyone was next to sure that she could destroy herself.

Dan was her break from that, he'd brought her out of her doom and gloom days into a carefree everything's gonna be ok era. Something Nate had been grateful for. Serena needed someone to take care of her, someone that could look past her overbearing and hard to take past. To bad he couldn't put his own differences aside for her sake. Nate blamed him for Serena's newest breakdown. Even if it was partially Serena's own fault for lack of communication.

"Serena come on you were doing…"

Panic and fear stormed over him as Serena's body lay motionless with a medicine bottle.

"Damn it Serena"

He flipped silently as he rushed to her side immediately counting the pills in the bottle, in precaution of the scene in front of him he's counted the pills on a nightly basis. She'd only taken two, two was enough to only knock her out for the night. Carefully he lifted her body off of her floor and carried her over to the mahogany canopy bed in the left corner of the room. Gently laying her down he kissed the side of her head and pulled the down cover over her body. The air condition was full blast throughout the entire house. something Serena had always done before sleeping.

Staying station on the edge of her bed for a moment he watched her as she moved her hand to her stomach to rest in her sleep. She'd slept like that for the past week in a row, one of the reasons he hadn't driven her to the clinic. He could tell it meant something to her, Dan was a good enough guy that it would mean something to him also. It wasn't everyday that a guy got to mix there DNA with a Van der Woodsen. Especially one that he loved more then anything else on earth, from the look in Dan's eyes as he watched her Nate knew that was the way Dan felt about Serena.

The amount of pills she consumed still made him worry, it wasn't normal and it wasn't right. Anyone with a brain knew that so many narcotics wasn't good for a person rather then two people Nate needed help. He couldn't face Serena's demons alone.

Exiting her room he pulled out his phone and quickly strolled threw it, she'd hate him for this no doubt. Nate was worried and there was no other way to try and convince her to do things otherwise.

"Hey, yea, I need you in the Hampton. She's fallen and I can't fix it."

His voice was in a pleading nature as the one on the other line talked rapidly and without restraint.

Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in  
because its cold outside cold outside its cold outside  
share with me the secrets that you kept in  
because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

and your slowly shaking finger tips  
show that your scared like me so  
let's pretend we're alone  
and I know you may be scared  
and I know were unprepared  
but I don't care

tell me tell me  
what makes you think that you are invincible  
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure  
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable  
impossible

I was born to tell you I love you  
isn't that a song already  
I get a B in originality  
and it's true I cant go on without you  
your smile makes me see clearer  
if you could only see in the mirror what I see

and your slowly shaking finger tips  
show that your scared like me so  
let's pretend we're alone  
and I know you may be scared  
and I know were unprepared  
but I don't care

tell me tell me  
what makes you think that you are invincible  
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure  
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable  
impossible

slow down girl your not going anywhere  
just wait around and see  
maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead  
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything  
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed  
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need

tell me tell me  
what makes you think that you are invincible  
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure  
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable  
impossible


	3. Half Alive

Author's note: WOW! You all have no idea what your reviews mean to me. They keep me going! I feel like I do need to remind you that this is a DS story. Though I favor the SN friendship it is only a friendship. I'm sorry if I lose some of you with that. I'll leave the layout as it first was and put the song lyrics to break up the chapter. thank you so much for your tips and please keep them coming! The song is **Half Alive** - by **Secondhand Serenade**

**Kayti Summers** – your review meant the world to me. And I hope that this chapter continues on to not be disappointing. I look very forward to your review.

**My lovely**- you made me confident enough to post this but I'm still giving you a shout out

"I want to take her back to the city, being so far away from civilization isn't going to help her. She needs to be home in her real bed. Not that sleeping at the Palace is much of a luxury."

Blair barked out orders as she swirled around the rest of the liquid from her now warm martini in the glass as she sat with the boys out in the hot summer scene. Nate had called her at seven o'clock the night previous and she'd hopped on a plane from France only to bump into her worse enemy at the air port.

"Must say, didn't think Brooklyn had it in him. The guts to think he could just drop her without the consequences."

Chuck's voice mused as he removed the cigarette from between his lips to expel the fumes. He two had hopped on a plane from Mexico as soon as he'd gotten off the phone with Nate.

"Nathaniel, you had to call her? Now we have to listen to everything that the princess of piss says."

Blair's blood boiled as she listened to his sleezy arguments, wasn't he the one that abandoned her at the air port? And to think she'd ever thought he had a heart.

"Maybe if you hadn't harassed her at home so much she wouldn't have spent so many nights at Cabbage Patch's"

Nate was growing increasingly tired of their bickering. They'd been back and forth from the moment they'd arrived in the door. That of which he'd had to escort them directly to the back porch to make sure that they didn't wake Serena from her drugged out slumber.

He'd checked on her once an hour since he'd gotten up from the spot he'd half slept all night beside her. Just to make sure she was breathing and she didn't try and take anymore pills for the night.

"I'm just trying to look out for the well being of our best friend. Some of us in this room actually have hearts."

As Blair spoke Chuck's eyes rolled, so much for keeping the peace. Serena didn't need them fighting, she had enough to deal with them fighting was not one of them.

"Some of us don't have sticks shoved up our asses."

Chuck challenged Blair as he took another drag from his cigarette. Nate knew that if he'd left the two of them in a room together alone long enough it would have taken them no time to rip each others clothes off. That's the type of tension that was building up think inside of the room. Not something he particularly wanted to be a part of.

"Guys, Serena, can we focus please? We need to formulate a plan so that one of us is always with her. She can't be trusted alone."

Standing up to pace the room Nate folded is hands into his board shorts. He needed Blair and Chuck to stop acting like the world revolved around them and concentrate on the task at hand. There best friend was completely losing control and all they could do was bicker.

"Put her in a cage. We all know how charged S gets from bars."

Chuck suggestively added with his signature smirk as he finished the cigarette in his hand and crashed it into the crystal ash tray on the table. Reaching out Blair smacked his arm as Nate shot him a warning look.

"I'm talking serious here, she can't be trusted to be alone. God only knows what she'd do. She took sleeping pills last night, after having a good day. What would she do if she had a bad day?"

Blair looked up at Nate as he talked only then understanding the true urgency of the situation. It wasn't just something simple. Serena was in a way sick and she needed help from her three best friends to be alright. Serena could have killed Cabbage Patch for putting Serena threw the hell he was.

"Have you even considered taking her to get rid of it? Save her the trouble of getting fat? A kid would be a turn off, and stretch marks would make her never get laid"

Nate and Blair both rolled their eyes at Chuck's newest suggestion. They all knew that Serena was lenient with things she did, and who she used to do in the past but there was no question to the fact that the one thing, Serena was passionate. Passionate about everything she did and especially what she put her heart into. She was going threw a faze and if Nate let her jump to her first instinct he knew she'd regret it when she was on a solid sober mind.

"She's still asleep? She took the pills yesterday and it's three o'clock. S never sleeps this long."

Blair started to worry as she looked into the house that had been nearly silent since she and Chuck had arrived hours previous. She still hadn't even peaked in on the mess that had become of her best friend. All she knew was that Serena's world was crashing down around her and the three of them were the only ones to parically fix it. Dan was the only one that really possessed the means to make it all better.

"How about you go check on her Blair, I slept next to her all night. She's had Alana outside her door looking in on her all day. I'm telling you she's fine but if it'll make you feel better you can storm in there and wake her up."

Nate said now frustrated by Blair's accusations that he wasn't taking well enough care of his best friend. At least he wasn't the one that was going to drive her off the brink of insanity.

_It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume  
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own  
I don't know if I'm home  
Or if I lost the way into your room  
I'm spiraling into my doom  
**I'm feeling half alive** but I know one day  
You and I will be free,_

To live and die by our own rules,  
Free..  
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try  
And **save me**.  
It's okay that we're **dying**,  
But I need to survive tonight, **tonight**.

Well excuse me while I** get killed softly**,  
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay  
At least 'til yesterday,  
You know you got me off my highest guard,  
Believe me when I say it's hard.  
We'll get through this tonight  
And I know one day you and I will be free

The neon blue light from her cell phone on the side of the blonde's bed read 3:30 pm. She'd taken the sleeping pills and collapsed on the floor in exhausted sleep at seven o'clock the previous night. Nate was going to kill her soon as she showed her face down stairs. She wasn't supposed to touch the sleeping pills, he'd told her he'd take care of it. But she needed them, she'd opened up her draw to change and the folded notebook paper was right there looking her in the face. He's put a ban on the major drugs, no anti-depressants or muscle relexers unless he said she could. The only thing that had been un secure was the sleeping pills.

He'd must of laid her on her bed after she'd been out cold because she didn't even remember him being in her room. The last thing she'd remembered was laying down on the cool wood floor trying to get the room to stop spinning and her head to stop pounding.

Now as her eyes were open the first and only thing she wanted was her pills. She could feel herself losing control with her urgency for them as she lifted her self off of her bed and tip toed into her bathroom. As she reached for the handle on the medicine cabinet she felt sick, a guilty sick, something she tried her best not to give any thought to. Two Xanax, two Laxapro, two and a half Valium, four Tylenol, and two nausea pills each in her hand as she filled up a glass of water. They were her cure, her excape and she wanted more. She wanted something stronger to take the pain and anger away.

Anger at herself for losing him, for being dumb enough to miss pills when it could have prevented a slight part of her feelings, anger at him for not panicking when the condom broke and he held her tighter telling her it would all be ok. Because he said he loved her, because he was going to protect her. Anger at him for nearly sleeping with Georgina, for letting Georgie put her mouth on places only her's belonged. Anger at Nate for being so understanding, and for trying to protect her when all she wanted was to relieve some of her pain, at Blair for not being there to help her threw. But mostly Serena blamed herself for being stupid. For wanting and needing more drugs, she craved more and more.

Serena put the pills that were in her hand, twelve and a half of them, down on the side of the counter and walked to the mirrored glass shower wall. Her reflection wasn't even something that Serena herself recognized. The girl looking back at her was broken, destroyed, and selfish. Her shaky hands lifted themselves up to the clean white of her tank top, resting themselves on her abdomen. She couldn't look herself in the eyes and she couldn't look at where her hands were, instead the sapphire eyes stayed glued to the floor.

Just under her hand and the flesh, muscle, and bone lie the last part of Dan she had. Part of her wanted so badly to destroy it. To make it so that she'd never have to think about him. She knew it was a lie. The boy owned her heart wither she wanted him to or not there was no getting it back. This… thing had been fated to her and all she could think of was the pills. She needed the pills to get her threw, she couldn't let feelings for another life get in the way. Lifting her head a little for a brief moment her eyes met that of her reflection and she felt ice cold suddenly.

The cold made her think of her mother, and the many guys that had up and left Lily, Serena and Eric. How much she'd resented them, how afraid she'd been to trust Dan and his three little letters because of them. Yet he'd two timed her. He'd been just the same as the rest of them after promising that he wouldn't leave her.

"Damn you"

She whispered angry as she tightly closed her eyes trying to fed off the bad and negative thoughts that were so badly trying to get to her. As she opened them it got no better.

With every inch of her rage, fury, and resentment built up now she dropped her hands from there spot and turned from the mirror back to the sink where the pills lie waiting. Four at a time she swallowed them down every pill giving her satisfaction as it slid down her throat. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if the white powder substance was around to numb her nostrils. Coke would have been her best escape.

After every last pill had escaped from her throat and was slowly making there way into her blood stream she let her legs give way under her as she collapsed against the wall in back of her pulling her knees to her chest. As the door opened Serena was trapped in her own little world, she could only faintly make out the voice as it was. The voice still seemed distant as she felt the arms wrap around her.

"Oh S, Sweetie how could I let this happen."

Blair's mother like side kicked in soon as she saw the destroyed crumpled forum that was usually her bubbly up for anything best friend. She looked so withdrawn and pulled back from her normal self. It actually scared Blair to see Serena the way she was.

Blair knew there was one thing among the rest that Dan Humphrey could say he was no longer a virgin at, and that was breaking hearts.

To live and die by our own rules,  
Free..  
**Despite the fact that men are fools**.

I'm almost alive, and **I need you** to try  
And **save me**.  
It's okay that we're dying,  
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

And you touch my hand ever so slightly  
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)  
And the deadly look she cast upon me  
I won't regret, I won't regret  
I won't regret. I won't regret...

And **I was trying to disappear**,  
But you got me wrapped around you  
I **can hardly breathe without you  
**I was trying to disappear  
But I got lost in your eyes now,  
You brought me down to size now.


	4. It's Not Over

**Authors note**: You guys amaze me! And make me want to write and keep going faster. Hope this chapter goes along with your expectations. Prove that Dan isn't the worst person ever. He's heart broken as well. Please keep your reviews coming. They are what keeps me going. The song in this one is **It's not Over** by:**Secondhand Serenade**

Sprawled across his bed her caramel skin was a soft contrast to his hunter green sheets. Tan shorts and a tie dye shirt two items his dream girl wouldn't even have ever purchased in her life. Her best friend wouldn't have let her ever. Her life, a life he tried so hard not to get sucked into and now that he was out he longed for her more then anything.

He watched Vanessa as she lay asleep in the middle of his bed one hand in her messy tangled curls and the other down at her side. If he closed his eyes tightly enough he could see her outline, messy blonde hair cleared out of her face while her innocent eyes were shut and her mouth curled into it's perfect slight smile. An arm tightly wrapped around Cedric as she always insisted and the other tightly laced with his own. If anything was ever out of place her beautiful big blue eyes opened without hesitation to survey what had disturbed her slumber.

Dan wanted to be with her, he loved her with every inch of himself. As always his words had come out before his brain had had a moment to catch up. He hadn't meant to say it was over but it was out before he could have taken it back. He'd hurt her on two levels, he'd allowed Georgina to seduce him into touching her body while he let her touch his. Then after seeing all the pain from that erupting he'd proceeded to tell her that he no longer wanted her. It was by far the biggest lie that Dan Humphrey had ever told.

"Why did you let me fall asleep? I thought we were gonna do something?"

Vanessa's voice interrupted his thoughts as he felt a pillow square it's self with the side of his head. She'd been trying to get him to lighten up and forget about his traumas. Though so far no luck had come from her endeavors, nor was he sure any would.

"V, you're going to make my head ache come back again."

He voiced dejectedly as he raised a hand to his temple and shook his head as though it was back already.

"That's because you were up all night drinking black coffee after coffee and writing tortured love poems. Really Dan, a normal guy would be over her by now."

The true cynic spoke as she bounced herself off of his bed and over to the desk of which was cluttered with papers and pens. Picking up one of his note books she waved it around to prove her point. It seemed like everything Dan had written was about death, dying and heartbreak.

"I love her V, I don't know why I let her go."

He confessed beside himself as he got up from his bed and walked to the other side of the room opposite her. As he picked up a picture frame with a photo of himself and Serena he sighed. Both of their smiles were real. So real they seemed to glow off of the paper. That same smile hadn't been cross his face since.

"Dan come on, you've seen her world. She'd probably already forgotten about you. Sleeping with a new guy already. You told me about her past. Just get over her already. I can't take the mopy lovesick boy you're becoming. It's strange and completely not you."

Vanessa sighed as she looked at the guy formerly known as her best friend. He'd changed so much in just the past few weeks and Vanessa couldn't stand it. All she wanted was her best friend back. She couldn't understand why he was so crushed by a girl that had lied to him over and over again. Vanessa knew that Dan was no perfect guy but he hadn't deserved to be kept in the dark as all of her friends watched in and laughed.

Vanessa's break with Nate had been for nearly the same reason. She hated his life, how he always had everything handed to him on a silver platter. In her eyes Serena was exactly the same type of person. She used the people around her like it was a game. Dan had only been a stepping stone in her sick games.

"You don't understand and I wouldn't expect you to V. but maybe you're right. Maybe we do need to get out there and experience some of summer before it's completely gone."

It's been two months and he still felt like his heart had just been ripped out at his own expense. Maybe if he got out for a little while he could improve it a little. Or maybe he could sneak a peak at Serena and see her beautiful smile. Know that at least she was ok.

Gossip Girl hadn't been much of a reliable source lately, it seemed as though all of the Upper East Side crowd had magically disappeared. He just hoped that no matter where she was she was at least doing a little bit better then he was. Sure it might have killed his ego a little to see a bright smile on her face but just to know she wasn't dying without him would make him better.

"Out of the Van der Woodsen land, she's not worth your pain. Come on Dan, I miss my best friend."

Vanessa's words pleased with him as she walked closer to the door and held the door open waiting for him to pass threw.

My **tears** run down like **razorblades** and no, **I'm not the one to blame**: it's you or is it me?  
And all the **words we never say** come out and now we are all ashamed. And there is no sense  
In playing games, when you done all you can do.

But now **it's over**, it's over. **Why is it over**? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,  
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back, but it's over.

I **lose myself** in all these fights; I lose my sense of wrong and right. I cry, I cry. I'm  
Shaking from the pain that's in my head. I just want to **crawl into my bed** and throw away  
The life that I led. But I won't** let it die**. But I won't let it die.

"And the Humphrey finally decides after months of exile he's going to feel the sun's warm rays on his oh so pale face."

The sarcastic film maker mocked as she cast the camera into his face with her own loving smirk as they existed the loft. Right away she could see the torture written all over his face. He was like a poor pathetic puppy dog that had lost his owner. She couldn't help but hate Serena Van der Woodsen for captivating his heart and making him think he knew what love was. Take the boy's virginity and turn him into a hopeless loser.

"Vanessa, are you sure we can't just stay in and play scrabble with Jenny again? I'm sure she'll be home soon."

Dan said as he looked around the ever moving street. Even the cabs that raced by seemed to have lost there thrill, inspiration and color. Nothing had ever looked more bland to him.

"Do you want me to go back in and get you your teddy bear."

She mocked him as she pulled him to the subway sign. One of the ever lovely perk of living in the city, transportation at every corner.

"Shut up Vanessa, can you just tell me where the hell were going? I'd like to be back so Jen isn't coming into an empty house. you know how much she's trusted after her last semester of school."

He tried to make up a quick excuse to go home early not wanting to endure the torture of being in the city, having to look at all of the places they'd be together at. The places she'd held his hand, leaned over to kiss his cheek, and told him she loved him.

'I love you' three little letters he'd said prematurely to one girl, and meant so much to another. He'd let it all crash and burn. He really was a dumb ass.

"Earth to Dan, will you stop zoning off on my. It's getting annoying."

Vanessa had shut off her shut off her camera and was sitting in a seat on the crowded, overloaded subway. You had to love the busy, musty smells of public transit.

Serena was probably sitting in Europe somewhere drinking Bellini's and laughing at all the males around her passed her their numbers. He could see her in all of her flawless, perfect glory looking angelic as she innocently took in her surroundings with her navy eyes.

Everywhere he turned it seemed like there was some reminder of what he'd let go. The night after the wedding he'd taken a nearly two hour shower letting the water go from scorching hot to freezing cold as he screamed, cried and scrubbed off the remins from the previous day and that said day. Emotions Dan had never thought he'd feel so strongly. Things he wouldn't and couldn't ever admit he'd done.

"where are we going exactly?"

he complained in distaste as he got off of the subway threw the numbers of annoying people prodding and poking at everyone else.

As her hands clamped over his eyes he couldn't help but wish they were Serena's hands. He could have pulled them down, twisted around and kissed her, taking her back in surprise. But it was Vanessa, just Vanessa.

His afternoon had slightly improved his mood. A day at an old rustic movie theater seeing gory but lame horror movies with his best friend, it was like old times in a way. But when the blonde in the back caught his eye for a moment he thought it was the only person that owned his heart. But the girl's smile wasn't half as much as beautiful as Serena's. His Serena's.

He watched the girl and the guy cuddle in the back of the theater and couldn't help but feel his need for Serena even more. How much he missed her was scary.

But it's over, it's over. Why is it over? **We had the chance to make it**. Now it's over,  
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back.

I'm falling apart, **I'm falling apart**. Don't say this wont last forever. You're breaking  
My, **you're breaking my heart**. Don't tell that we will never be together. We could be over  
And over, **we could be forever**.

"Come on, I think we should head home."

Vanessa said after the long day at the movies they were walking the solemn Upper East Side streets with pretzels. Dan's mood still hadn't changed and it'd been all day long.

"Sounds good to me, Cab or…"

As he turned the corner he hadn't noticed where they were still his eyes fell upon the black limo in front of the Palace Hotel. His heart pounded as much as his head started to as he saw the long slender blond's hair and limbs. Her arms tightly around Nate's neck as he held Serena's body tightly to him as he kissed the top of her head and whispered something in her ear. Dan couldn't tell if she was smiling or not but all he could see was the way Nate whispered to her and kissed her head like she was a delicate package he couldn't let go of.

Dan's mind knew that he should have scene it happening, they'd been together once. He should have known that he was just a piece in her game.

With that he turned around, his back to the sight. His arms snaking there way around Vanessa's waist as she looked at him in a slight surprise but didn't question it. She liked the feel of his arms around her. It was something she'd been after in the very beginning.

For Dan, he needed to feel something besides the sudden pain that was threatening to make him break again. Maybe Vanessa could cure him of his pain even if it was only for a brief time.

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart. Don't say this wont **last forever**. You're breaking  
My, you're **breaking my heart**. Don't tell that we will never be together. We could be over  
And over, we could be forever.

It's not over. It's not over, **it's never over**, unless you let it take you, it's not over,  
It's not over, it's not over, unless you it break you. It's not over.


	5. Awake

**Authors note**: posting this already today because I have it all done. Depending on myself there might be another chapter much much later tonight. Three or four chapters left to go depending on how far I take it. Thank you so much for reading, hope your enjoying! Don't forget to review. They make me smile and make me anxious to post more! The song is **Secondhand Serenade's ****Awake**

The two Manhattan born blue bloods had there arms laced with each other as the slightly shorter brunette led the blonde into all of the chosen stores. The pair had been back in the city for two weeks. Two weeks they'd spent holed up in the Palace Hotel while the guys brought them everything they needed and demanded. It had been like times back years ago, before drama and madness. Just the four of them against the world, though things under the surface had changed immensely they'd all pulled together to protect one of their own.

Today was the first day they'd actually permitted her to leave the room. Serena's semblance was a little bit better then it'd been in a while. Blair was still there to watch her every move she took. They'd talked her down to only taking one Xanax and two Tylenol, threatening that if she took another thing it was straight to the ER or they'd call Lily. Two things Serena feared.

"B, where are we going?"

Her thoughts regarding coming home hadn't been of the most thrilled nature. At the Palace there wasn't much she could get away with, every time she turned around one of them was looking over her shoulder. She hadn't even remembered much of coming home. She'd only remembered crying as Nate took her out of the limo. Her arms wrapped tightly around him as she begged to go back to the Hampton.

They were trying to protect her, she knew and understood it. But at night when the three of them piled into one bed crunching her in the middle and Chuck outcast to the chair in the corner she at times wished they'd all just leave her alone.

Serena seemed better yet she still couldn't look herself in the eyes. At every cost she'd avoid her eyes, they were the window of her pain. She knew that if she looked at the navy blues she'd slump back into her misery and fall even more from grace then she'd done already.

"Just walking around Barney's, you know… like old times."

Pulling Serena into the pastel pink, blue, yellow, green, and purple she felt her best friend freeze. Serena wasn't ready to look at baby stuff. She was just getting used to the fact that her tee-shirts no longer fit without being anywhere near tight. They were just starting to pull snuggly cross her middle. Being over three months along for a normal expectant female it would have been a brilliant, beautiful, nesting time. Keeping herself clean and sober.

Serena was anything far from being happy about the surrounding circumstances. The tightness of her shirt made an even tighter space in her throat. The thoughts running threw her head were for the white powder that would make her cured in an instinct.

"Come on S, you need to think about this all some time. Plus, it might help you feel a little better Serena. This isn't all just going to go away in a blink of an eye."

Serena knew she could have made it all go away, but, it was her way of holding onto Dan. With the little thing that was inside of her she'd never be without him. It was proof that at one point in time there was actually love involved. Back before lying, cheating, and hurting was involved.

"B, I don't think I can do this. I'm not ready."

Her eyes flicked away from the colors, it felt like they were breaking her just to look at. She wasn't cut out for the task put in front of her. She could hardly handle herself, how was she going to deal with a small part of Dan.

"Come on Serena, don't think of him. This isn't about him. He hurt you and you're so much better off without him. You can do this sweetie, you have me and Nate and even Chuck. Were all in this together and were going to get threw it all together."

She felt a light squeeze on her arm but it was far away again, she was descending into her bad place. The dark corner of her mind that told her all was not ok. The room was spinning, slowly starting to spin again and she needed air. Turning from Blair almost right away she took off running out of the store at full speed for the hot August breeze. She didn't and couldn't stop until she was leaning against the side of the building breathing heavy.

Blair had taken off after her, following her behind her closely. Blair had been trying to get Serena to think of something positive. Not that being pregnant was exactly positive but she did have something to pull threw her dark shadow for.

Catching her outside Blair pulled Serena by the arms into a tight hug.

"Shhh S, it's ok. You need to breath. Just breath."

Blair mattered down Serena's hair as the fragile blonde quivered and shook with sobs. She'd fallen from grace, it was clear that nothing was going to be the same. Blair just wanted her best friend back.

"Come on sweetie, lets get you home ok."

Her usual bitchey self was well hidden as she cleared her best friend's tears and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I'm sorry B, I'm so sorry."

Serena whispered hastily as her sobbing became less and less evident. She was calming down a little. It was just a good thing that Gossip Girl didn't spy in the back ally's of Barneys.

With every appearance by you, **blinding my eyes**,  
I can **hardly remember** the last time I felt like I do.  
You're an **angel disguised**.

And you're lying real still,  
But your **heart beat** is fast just like mine.  
And the movie's **long over**,  
That's three that have passed, one more's fine.

"I told you to eat that, your becoming as bad as me."

Blair tapped the table in front of Serena's plate. She was forcing Serena to eat a cheese burger and French fries as she picked at her own Caesar salad. Her nose up in slight distaste at the café's bleak and not to ritzy surroundings. It was not a Blair Waldorf choice place to eat.

"I'm not hungry B."

Serena said dismally as she pushed around the fries on the ceramic plate. She hadn't eaten more then one of the greasy over fried potato sticks.

"If you don't eat I know a very nice secluded hospital in LA that takes good care of eating disorders. They even kept Lindsay's departure under wraps."

She challenged her best friend as she pushed the ketchup closer to her.

"I told you I'm fine. I had breakfast today haven't you tortured me enough?"

two years ago the roles would have been reversed, Serena was the one nagging Blair to eat while Serena sat back sipping on her forth daiquiri of the afternoon. Eating disorders and alcoholism had filled the two's day's back then.

"You had strawberries and honey dew melon covered in whipped cream with a side of sour gummy worms S. I really don't see how that qualifies as a good breakfast."

Crossing her arms she gave Serena a 'I know better then you stare'.

"Nate brought me the things I like. I didn't tell him to. At least I ate something."

She gave Blair a cheesy fake smile as she picked up the cheese burger and took a bite just to humor her best friend. Making a face she sip it out.

"That's a real great start S"

she rolled her eyes and look another bite of her salad as she watched Serena open up the cheese burger and take out the pickles.

"You love pickles"

Confused she looked at Serena like she was crazy.

"I know, but I don't like the taste. It's really gross."

Blair laughed as she picked up a napkin and threw it at Serena. She seemed her self, besides the fact that she'd changed some of her ways she seemed to have a little bit of the old Serena Van der Woodsen shinning threw.

"You're crazy S"

As Blair said it a smile spread cross Serena's face, there playful banter was something that they'd always done. From the day they were five years old twisting Nate around in the tire swing while Chuck tried to look under there skirts. Typical Chuck, he'd always been the same way.

"You know you love me B"

Catching the napkin she threw it back at Blair. Things were good. At least till she turned her head, then nothing for Serena would be ok.

He had his arms around her, his face buried in her neck, her hands under his shirt on his chest. Serena felt like she was moving from 0 to 60 in point two seconds. Her heart had broken into pieces and she was frozen not able to move. Her eyes were glued to there silhouettes out the window as she watched his lips travel from her neck to her lips and her arm cross around his neck as she pulled his body as close to her as they could manage without being risky in public.

She was frozen, her heart had been ripped out of her chest all over again. A pounding, exploding, pulsing sound and feeling was taking over her mind and body. Blair became further and further away. She knew what she needed. She could feel how bad she was suddenly craving it. She had to do it, no matter what they thought.

With every last bit of strength she had she pulled herself together. Once an actress always an actress. It was a good thing Blair hadn't been looking directly at her or else she would have seen Serena's plans written all over her face. Blair had always been the one to call the blonde on all of her bullshit.

"B, I have to pee. I'll be right back I swear. You can time me if I want."

She said in a careless, sunshine voice. The best one she could muster. Somehow it had actually come out correctly as she stood up from her chair and Blair looked up from her cell phone.

"You've been good today so I'm going to trust you with that. Just don't tell Nate I did. He'll kill me for letting you out of my sight. Just remember I'm watching the time."

Blair eyed her for a second looking for second thoughts or lies in her expression. They'd been so well masked that the brunette never saw the cunning thoughts that were going on in the broken, torn apart girl's eyes. She wanted so bad to see Serena ok that she never saw the shaking, or scratching of the arms as Serena stood with her broken black nails clawing at the skin on her arms.

As she turned her back on the clueless best friend who thought there was no other motive. Serena glanced down at her arm, it was red enough to nearly cut the skin. A habit she'd picked up from Georgina when she needed a fix. It was an imperfection that she could concentrate on till she had exactly what she needed.

Will you stay awake for me?  
**I don't wanna miss anything**  
I don't wanna miss anything  
I will share the air I **breathe**,  
I'll give you my heart on a string,  
I just don't wanna miss anything.

I'm trying real **hard not to shake**. I'm biting my tongue,  
But I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,  
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.

And if it's a hero you want,  
I can save you. Just stay here.  
Your whispers are priceless.  
Your breathe, it is dear. So **please stay near**.

She entered the bathroom with one thing in mind. Climbing herself up onto the sink she clawed herself threw the window catching herself from falling by holding on as tight as she could. She pulled herself threw the cracked white window letting herself drop to the cement side walk. That was the only thing about downtown Brooklyn, nothing was very much of a drop.

Regaining her balance she closed her eyes hard, she wasn't going to think about her coming actions. She was just going to do it. Nothing could get in her way she needed it to bad. They were no longer on the sidewalk as she made her quick running exit to the back ally. She knew all of the stops.

Sure enough there was a shabby looking sleezy guy standing post in back of the greasy pizza place right next door.

"I don't think you mean to be back here baby."

His words made her flinch and need it more as she looked at him fixed with treachery and deception.

"I think I know where I am just fine."

Words came out of her own mouth like silk as she took two hundred dollar bills out of her pocket and held them up to him. Seeing his facial features light up he reached into his own pocket extracting a little plastic bag full of the white powdery substance. The dime bag was exactly what she needed.

"well Beautiful, in that case how about shearing a line with me first."

Her broken, angry, distraught eyes turned feisty and vicious as she nodded and slowly dropped to her knees in front of the brown box. The mirror just as she always remembered them, filthy with the powder so evenly spread out. She quickly ordered her own line and knelt close to it. Snorting the line she felt complete in trance as the burning sensation filled her nostrils. The powder fumes hustling there ways to her brain and making her thoughts spin ever so slightly till all was nothing.

From there a such thing as going back was impossible. Her fall from grace had become a plummet into disaster. She felt the guys grimy hand on her head as she leaned down to take another hit. She wasn't thinking anymore. Just doing what she felt she needed.

Dan, Blair, Nate, Vanessa, Chuck… they all didn't matter a damn. If Dan didn't need her why did the rest of them. She sat with her stoned, glazed eyes shearing the lines with the filthy discusting looking man, and the one thing that was relying on her to be alright. She hadn't even let it cross her mind as she let the numbing feeling capture and smother her thoughts and body.

It was an understatement to say that she was just in a minor flunk. The delicate beauty had fallen far far from grace and there was no turning back.

Will you stay awake for me?  
I don't wanna miss anything  
I don't wanna miss anything  
I will share the air I breathe,  
**I'll give you my heart on a string**,  
I just don't wanna miss anything.

Say my name. I just want to hear you.  
Say my name. So I know it's true.  
**You're changing me**. You're changing me.  
You **showed me how to live**.  
So just say. So just say,


	6. Maybe

**Authors Note**: by far my most difficult chapter to write! But in the end I think I really like how it's come out. BlyMrtn-RiotGrl is my lovely editor and pre reader. Though yes I know she's only written one story I'm trying to get her to pick it up again. Andddd I made her watch Gossip Girl. Mwahaha I'm proud of myself. Anyways I know you don't want to keep reading this. Only two chapters left! Not written chapters but only two left. PLEASE REVIEW! And I hope you enjoy. The song is **Maybe** by **Secondhand Serenade**

She felt achy before she'd even opened her eyes. Her whole body was cold and shaky, plus the fact that she wasn't quite sure where she was. It wasn't till she felt the soft fabric of the down quilt placed over her and tucked in around her did she open her eyes. Only to have them connect with the soft tan walls and his obnoxiously bright green sweater.

"So I know I said that the Virgin Mary act was a little over done but Serena, this can't begin again."

Chuck's voice went straight threw her head as he sat down on the side of her bed. He seemed so much more grown up then she'd ever seen Chuck Bass look. Strange for him but she could actually see the worry that was written all over his face. Worry and disappointment, two things Serena didn't think she'd ever see cross his face.

"Sis, if you keep this up I'm going to call Lily. She and father will come home in a second when she knows what you're doing this time. I'm sure the guy who's hands were all over you last night would have loved to go further."

She looked out past him, she couldn't even remember what had gone on past the snorting of the coke. All she remembered was letting go of everything and living in the moment. Letting the drugs take her on a high she hadn't experienced.

"How'd I get here?"

her voice was broken and groggy, moving slightly she tried to sit up. With the searing pain that was shooting threw her mind and body she put her hand over her face and stayed completely still.

"Blair called Nate and I to come search for you. Blair didn't realize she wasn't bitch enough to deal with him. He could have raped you both."

His snotty tone didn't hide the worry about Blair he'd felt. Serena as well as everyone else knew that if Chuck wasn't so, Chuck Bass he would have already conformed to the queen B's ways. But Upper East Siders were never soft conforming people.

In her hazy half dream state she moved her hand to her pocket, the ruminants of the dime sack was still there, it would be good for a half of hit. A half of hit that would have been good enough to get her threw the day. And she needed her meds, they would make everything so much more intense.

"Serena look at me"

He next to commanded of her as she felt his hand on her shoulder move to her face actually moving her head with his hand now. He was determined to get threw to her and he wasn't going to back down.

"You're not an addict, you're not a whore, and your not this dumb. You need to cut the shit."

Firmly he spoke his hand still on her face as his grey eyes bearing into her sad blue ones. She felt queasy and sick, she wanted to make it all go away. She didn't believe a word he was saying she was all of those things. She had always been she hadn't changed.

"This isn't strictly only involving you Serena. You complained all the time when you were younger that Lily wasn't around. That she did a lousy job raising you. What the fuck do you think you're doing right now? Your not the type to usually do a shitty job at things but what you're doing right now. How your being, it's the most lousy thing you've ever done."

Who would have thought that Chuck would have been the one to take initiative and to try and snap Serena out of her dark days. He hated watching her fall apart again. When she did she set everything out of control. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't slept with someone in days or maybe it was because Blair was so distraught over the whole thing that she wasn't herself either. What ever it was Chuck wasn't about to back down.

"You and that asshole screwed up, mistakes happen. But letting your mistake pay for the pain he'd caused you is fucked up Serena and if you think hard enough about it you know that. Stop only thinking about your self."

He let go of her then and backed away from her bed. She had tears in the corners of her eyes. She knew that every word he said was right. she was acting selfish but it hurt so bad, every time she thought of Dan she felt pain in her chest, only today it seemed to be literal.

She took easy breaths in and out as her eyes followed Chuck as he stepped back and leaned against the door his eyes still on lock with her own.

**Didn't you want to hear**  
The sound of all the places we could go  
**Do you fear  
**The expressions on the faces we don't know  
It's a **cold hard road** when you wake up  
And I don't think that I  
Have the strength to let you go

Maybe it's just me, **Couldn't you believe**  
That everything I said and did, wasn't just **deceiving  
**And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face  
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

Footsteps sounded in back of him and she knew what was coming next. Four feet hurried into her room quickly. Both with there hands on their hips and there faces full of anguish like they hadn't slept all night as they tried to decide what would be done with her. That would have been the correct response. Nate and Blair had been up since they'd carried Serena into the hotel room and laid her down on the bed. They'd bickered and argued the whole way back. Nate mad at Blair for letting her out of sight, Blair mad at herself for thinking Serena would act like the nearly adult that she was.

Blair looked at her with a cross glare, Serena knew right then that she was in trouble. Blair was going to tear her down and Serena knew for sure that she deserved every word she was going to say. She watched Blair as she walked back and forth a few times and Nate stood with Chuck standing with his arms crossed. Serena was in for it now. Her fingers lightly graced the packet in her pocket still. She wanted it regardless of what Chuck had said. Her body was craving it.

"What were you thinking Serena?"

She started off her hands flying in random and motions with her words.

"You had had a good day, I give you room to go off by your self for five minuets and what do you do? You end up in an ally snorting coke and letting some asshole grope you. Serena what are you thinking? You're destroying yourself. You're destroying your child."

Serena couldn't take her eyes off of Blair as her anger spilled out of her all at once. It felt like she was being attacked by Blair's rage. She had no way to tune her out or shield herself from it.

"Cabbage Patch isn't worth a damn bit of this. You need to stop destroying yourself and everything around you. He's an asshole and you need to get over him already. He's ruining your life when all he is a good for nothing asshole. He lives in Brooklyn for God's sake! You could have so much more then that Serena. You know that."

Serena wondered if she was ever going to stop her ranting, but as Nate gently grabbed Blair's arms and turned her to chuck in a way making her stop her raving. She was suddenly quiet as she leaned her frustrated head against Chuck's shoulder and Nate now made his way over to the side of Serena's bed. As he sat down with her he grabbed her hand in his both as he looked at her and then away at Chuck and Blair then back at her again.

"Serena we've tried as hard as we can to get you to see that we're here for you. What else more can we do? We don't leave your side, we make sure you're dressed and fed and slightly medicated and yet it's still not enough. Serena we're losing patience with you. You're giving Blair a heart attack. I don't know how much more we can take."

With each word she could see the truth reflecting off of his emerald eyes. She was using all of them. Tearing them apart but bringing them together in hurt. She was driving her best friends to the point of a melt down.

"Nate, you guys should just give up. I'm not worth it."

Her voice was still not back to itself as in her mind the image of Dan and Vanessa now started to play over and over. The twinging and throbbing sensations were also starting to get worse as they were still occupied by her massive headache. She started to scratch at her arm again with her free hand.

"Serena, knock it off!"

Without a hesitation, Nate grabbed her hand forcing her to stop the scratching. He was too good at catching her in her games. He always had been. That's why he was her best friend, and her protector. That was until Dan was there. For a brief few months Serena had allowed herself to trust someone other then her close circle.

"We've decided that we need to call Lily, and you need to tell Dan. You went running to Chuck about Blair so unless you want us going to Dan you need to tell him yourself. I'll drive you later…so I suggest you get up, Blair's going to sit in the bathroom while you take a shower. And try not to look like you've been sleeping in a bed of coke.

Serena had never seen Nate so hostile with her. He'd given her the silent treatment before, but he'd never been this way.

"I can't tell him Nate, he'll hate me"

She took her hand out of his and moved it to cover her face. Dan wouldn't forgive her for not telling him. He'd be so disappointed in her, he'd be upset that she hadn't told him. That she'd kept something so important away from him. It was the one thing that was going to change his life for ever.

"I just can't do it Nate."

The pain was now blaring and she could barely see straight but she looked past it and tried to get out of the bed. she stumbled to get on her feet and not look at the other three in the room. She couldn't face there looks of disappointment.

"Serena where are you going?"

There goes my ring  
**It might as well have been shattered**  
And I'm here to sing  
About the things that mattered  
About the things that made us feel alive for oh so long  
About the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong

Maybe it's just me, Couldn't you believe  
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving  
And the **tear in your eye**, and your calm hard face  
**Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place**

She heard Nate call after her but his voice was distant as the pain rested it's way into her every thought. She wasn't going to be ok, something wasn't right. it was more then just the withdrawal making her sick. Serena was cold suddenly, violently freezing cold and her heart rate was erratic. Shutting the door to the bathroom behind her she then felt it. Crimson liquid had made a patch in her sleep shorts already. The same crimson color that came from the flesh wound in her arm from slipping out the window the day before. She rested her head against the wood of the door and finally let the tears ramble down her face.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I've given her all of her choices and she won't take any of them. As much as I love her and I don't want to see her make a mistake I don't think there's anything left that we can do."

Blair was defeated, there wasn't anything left that she could think of to do to make any of it any better. Serena was to far gone for the three of them to deal with. They'd tried all they could and where was she now? Locked in the bathroom to what they guessed was taking another snort of the coke.

"We don't have much else of a choice but to call my father and Lily. She needs help."

Adding his two since in Chuck took out his cell phone and started to go threw the memory bank.

Nate was biting the inside of his cheek as he hung his head. He'd failed her. It was the very first time he'd ever failed her. As he brought his head up to look at Blair and Chuck a spot in Serena's sheets caught his eye and he froze.

"Never mind Lily, Chuck, Blair we need to get Serena to the emergency room. She's bleeding."

The disappointed look on Nate's face was soon erased by distraught worry as he practically ran cross the room and began banging on the door. He knew Serena couldn't have been doing a line. If he knew Serena at all he knew it was hitting her hard. Chuck and Blair joined in on the panic as they started to crowed around him.

As the door opened it reveled Serena's torn apart broken down face. Her tears were cascading down her face hastily and she had her arms tightly and protectively wrapped around her middle as though she were trying to hold onto everything.

Nate walked to her first enveloping her into the tightest hug he could as she cried into his shoulder. Blair came next holding onto the two as she kissed the side of her head.

"It's gonna be ok S, were gonna make sure of it. Nothing's happened yet. It's gonna be like on tv. Where they tell you, you need to stop doing so much and calm down. It's gonna be ok."

She whispered as Nate held onto the girls he'd taken so much care of and loved without a doubt. While the scene in the bathroom was taking place Chuck took it upon himself to grab Serena other clothes, for once in his life not stopping at her lingerie draw, even Chuck Bass knew that it wasn't a time to fuck around.

"Blair, you and Chuck get her to the hospital. There's something I have to do."

He said giving Serena's head a final peck as he steadied the unstable Serena against Blair and gave Chuck a look of thank you as he came in with the clothes only to receive both of the girls nearly collapsing to his own chest. Chuck's mind wasn't in the gutter wishing that they were both naked for once. His mind was strictly on getting Blair and his step sister better no matter what the cost.

Watching his three best friends Nate knew more what he needed to do then anything else as he grabbed his coat and cell phone and hurried out of the Palace to flag down a cab. He was going to do what he should have done back when they were in the Hampton.

And someday,** I promise I'll be gone  
**And someday, I might even sing this song  
To you, I might even sing this song, to you  
And I was **crying alone tonight**  
And I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you  
So just come back we'll make it better  
So Just come back I'll make it  
Better than it ever was

Maybe it's just me, Couldn't you believe  
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving  
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face  
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place


	7. Stay Close, Don't Go

**Author's note**: thank you all do much for your reviews! It means so much to me. This is the second to last chapter. I hope you enjoy it! The song is **Stay Close, Don't Go** by: **Secondhand Serenade. **I hope you like it, tell me what you think ok?

He felt her fingers brush the waistline of his jeans as they kissed, his shirt was off and she was trying to push it further. She always tried to push it further. Her fingers felt there way threw his belt loops as his eyes shifted to the fan. The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach was there and strong still. He knew what was coming. She'd done it for the past few weeks, and he knew that nothing would change today.

"Come on Dan, I'm so sick of this."

His usually patient best friend turned girl friend said rolling off of him dressed scarcely in her blue bra and boy shorts. Her smoky eyes told him she was pissed. Sick of being second rate, but Dan couldn't help it. He didn't want her, not in the way she wanted him to want her.

"You need to let her go already. You're with me Dan, I'm tired of having to share you with someone who doesn't even want you. It's my turn. Why can't you see it. I've wanted you long before you even knew her. You loved me. Why can't you just get that back again."

Her words were coming out of her mouth as fast as they could. She was irritated, aggravated, and hurt all at the same time. They'd been together for over two weeks and still he'd had his protective wall up.

"V, I'm sorry"

Dan murmured quietly as he turned his focus away from the fan on the ceiling and looked at the wall.

"Well I should just be glad that you didn't call me Serena this time shouldn't."

Hostilely she glared at him her voice a mix of anger and resentment.

"It's always nice to know who's on your mind when you're having sex with me."

Dan had made himself feel her perfect blonde hair, touch her delicate skin, kiss her soft lips, all thinking that it was his perfect angel with him without any questions. He'd felt like he could open up his eyes to be face to face with her innocent navy eyes. Innocent eyes that had perfected the perfect devil streak, something that intrigued him to no end, then again he loved everything about her.

"Vanessa I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not ready yet,"

The pillow she'd been laying on went directly over her face as she proceeded to scream into it. If he wasn't ready yet would he ever be? They'd be going back to school in two weeks. What would Dan be like then? Could she really handle being the girlfriend of a guy that refused to let his ex go?

"I feel like I'm pulling this relationship out of you and it's not something I'm going to do anymore. Call me when you're done whining over her. Maybe you shouldn't have let her go in the first place. Then you wouldn't have to break my heart."

Standing up emediatly she picked up the pillow and threw it at him as she grabbed her clothes and put them on quickly before slamming the door in back of her. That was the thing with the two of them. They'd done the same thing, had the same argument, acted the same way and every time she'd call around nine oclock when she'd calmed down and told him that she was being unfair to him.

The first time she'd done it he'd been taken back by her eratic actions, he knew he was hurting her but he also knew that he'd hurt Serena. He hated himself for hurting the two, but, he loved Serena still. Every bit of him loved Serena.

How the hell was he going to get threw school everyday seeing her beautiful face and not going over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist as she squealed in delight. Those moments were in the past and he needed to let go.

Rolling over he grabbed his cell phone off of his nightstand, he was going to call Vanessa and beg for forgiveness.

I'm staring at the glass in front of me,  
**is it half empty** of our wins or have i ruined all you've given me?  
**I know I've been selfish**,  
I know I've been foolish,  
but look through that  
and you will see,  
**I'll do better**, I know,  
**Baby**, I can do better.

**If you leave me tonight**, I'll wake up alone,  
don't tell me I will make it on my own,  
**don't leave me tonight**,  
this heart of stone will sing till it dies  
if you leave me tonight.

Nate's own anxiety was kicking in as he stepped out of the yellow cab, the New York City smog filling his senses with the toxic fumes as he took a deep breath. The afternoon traffic was in full force due to rush hour and he didn't think he'd ever make it to Brooklyn. He'd had t the same conversation over and over in his head. Trying to decide what exactly he was going to say to Dan. Part of him wanted to just plain out punch the asshole. The other part was trying to formulate how to explain to him that Serena couldn't live without him, she was falling back into old habits. Oh and then there was the whole thing of adding 'by the way,' she's miscarrying your child right now'. Nate was pretty sure it wasn't going to be the best sentence to get out of his mouth.

He didn't want to be running threw Brooklyn, what he'd rather have been doing was sitting with Serena. Telling her that everything was going to be ok, even if he was next to sure that it was a lie. She'd done to much to her body lately to not suffer for it. It'd be a miracle if anything went threw untouched. Serna had been so careless no matter what anyone warned her or told her of. It was like she didn't hear a word unless it had to do with Dan.

His hands were in the pockets of his jacket and his head was bowed slightly as he walked up the steps of the loft. He grew increasingly uneasy with every step he took all of the thoughts and emotions in a whirlwind in his head. His best friend was falling apart at the seams and here he was going to try and fix it. If Dan didn't comply he wasn't sure how he'd let lonely boy live.

**Sometimes I stare at you while you are sleeping**,  
I listen to your **breathing**,  
amazed how I somehow managed to  
sweep you off your feet girl,  
your perfect little feet girl  
I took for granted what you do.  
But I'll do better, I know  
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,  
don't tell me I will make it on my own,  
don't leave me tonight,  
this heart of stone will sing till it dies  
if you leave me tonight.

"These building's should be condemned. Though I'm sure they'd be good for a good fuck in the hallways."

Hearing the voice in back of him made him turn around immediately, what the hell was he doing? He was supposed to be staying with Serena and Blair. Nate hoped that Serena hadn't pulled a disappearing act and ran away again. She wasn't exactly knowing to be counted on lately.

"Don't worry, thought I could be of more service to you then sitting with all of the smoking hot nurses in the waiting room. It's a bit disappointing that they don't wear the tight plastic uniforms to work everyday."

Chuck being of service to anyone other then himself was a funny thought, but he had been pretty good lately. Nate still didn't quite understand why he wasn't keeping watch over Serena.

"They had taken her in and given her a sedative to bring down her blood pressure, fever, and to help with the withdrawal."

Nate nodded his head expelling another deep breath. At least they were going to make her more confortable then she'd been in the morning.

"I just don't want her to be alone you know, Blair was pretty frustrated with her this morning. I don't want her to up and leave her alone. I don't think she could handle that."

He spoke as they stood right outside the door of the loft. It was a spot the two guys had never been nor had they planned to ever be.

"I know she couldn't handle that. Serena's not as tough as everyone thinks. She just like's to pretend she is so she doesn't get hurt."

The step sister he'd so harassed in the beginning of their cohabitation he's groan to care for more then he thought he would. Then again Nate, Blair, and Serena had been his best friend since they were all in Bon Point clothes. He'd have died for them not that it was something he would have admitted out loud.

"Nathaniel how you underestimate me"

He drawled out in his normal uppity manner.

Just as the two boys turned back to the door it opened without warning and the mess of brown curls brushed past them without noticing their presence. She'd sounded like she was crying and angry. Chuck turned his attention to Nate for a moment and raised his eyebrows as if asking what the hell that was about. Nate just shrugged and walked forward threw the cluttered door frame.

There were many times when he was growing up that he wished he and his parents were ordinary to live in a loft like said one he was currently standing in the middle of. Observing the loft it actually looked like a home, one where the children were well cared for. With photos of Dan and Jenny when they were young, they brought a slight smile to Nate's face. To see what they'd always been like. With Dan protecting his sister fully and trying to protect her from anything that would put her in harms way.

That's the way he'd always been with Serena and Blair. He'd taken care of those girls like they were the only thing on earth. Nate had fallen in love with them both a certain times and he'd learned that he was much better off watching over them then dating them. Now as he stood in the loft with both of the girls potential lovers he felt protective, like he was in charge of seeing to them getting everything they wanted and needed.

Chuck and Nate stood in the middle of the Humphrey kitchen looking at each other trying to decipher what the next move would be when the thin blonde bounced herself into the her kitchen in pajamas with a glass in her hand. Seeing the boys she stopped in her tracks and Nate could see a little bit of color splash her cheeks. If Nate could have concentrated and actually been able to think of her face he would have found it cute. Jenny did always have her ways in his eyes.

"Nate, Chuck? What are you two doing here?"

She asked confused as she placed her cup down on the counter silently hoping Blair hadn't sent them to get her for something she had or hadn't done. It'd been all summer and she hadn't heard a word from the queen B or anyone to do with it all. Working for Blair's mother was more then enough.

"Jenny, hey um… would your brother happen to be around?"

Nate felt awkward with every word out of his mouth. He never would have made a good investigator, he had to much of a soft spot for people.

"What did Dan do this time?"

She half rolled her eyes sick of her brother's love sick moping. She'd told him time and time again that he needed to just go and talk to Serena. Serena loved him and Jenny knew it, Dan was just being a jackass about all of it. Jenny fidgeted under both of the male's gazes, she could feel Chuck's eyes trying to see threw her pajamas. What a sleaze.

"Serena's falling apart and she could really use him around. I think he needs to know what's going on. She's kept it all to herself for long enough now."

Just as the final word came out of his mouth none other then Dan Humphrey himself stood in the door way of the room, shirt off in all of his hairless glory. Seeing him made Nate nearly lock up, the guy had caused Serena so much pain and he looked like he hadn't done anything. That was until Nate looked more closely. His eyes were nearly a mirror of the pain and anguish that resided in Serena's eyes also. Only her's were much more intense.

And don't you know my heart is open, oh,  
it's putting up the fight,  
and I've got this feeling,  
that everything's alright,  
and don't you see,  
I'm not the only one for you  
but you're the only one for me.

If you leave me tonight I'll wake up alone,

"Something's wrong with Serena?"

He stammered out her name like it was a prized possession he hadn't said or seen in forever.

"You dumb fuck, your such a friggen prick thinking you can just leave her knoc"

Nate elbowed Chuck in the ribs to get him to shut up and stop before he said something that they both regretted. Yelling at Dan wasn't the way to get him to help them.

Dan looked confused, he was in the dark and had no idea what was going on. How was he to know that Serena hadn't been herself.

"Why are you telling me? Shouldn't you be taking care of her Nate. Aren't you her newest"

He couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence, it would have been admitting to the enemy's face that he'd stolen his dream girl. The one he'd cared about and thought of since that day in the seventh grade.

"What the hell are you talking about Dan."

Nate asked defensively as he took out his cell phone to check for text messages. The girls had been at the hospital for forty-five minuets already. Shouldn't they have been getting some sort of results on it all by now?

"I saw you and her. I saw you carrying her into the Palace."

Dan bit the inside of his cheek, something he'd acquired from Serena doing all the time. He couldn't read Chuck or Nate's faces. All he could tell was that there was something going on. It made him afraid, afraid to know what it was, afraid something had happened to the one person that held his heart in her pocket.

"That's because she couldn't stand on her own two feet because of what you did to her you good for nothing shit.."

Chuck started to mouth once again as Nate shot him a warning glare.

"Stop the name calling Chuck, it's not getting us anywhere"

Dan felt himself slowly breaking again, something was wrong with Serena and it was his entire fault. He was the one that was destroying her.

"What's going on"

Looking back and forth from Nate to Chuck he waited for a response. He could see now that they both looked tired and warn out.

"Serena's slipping back into her old habits and we can't help her. Nothing's getting threw to her. She needs you to be there. you're the only one that can help her now Dan."

Concern and worry were now played all over Dan's face and he only knew half of what was going on. Only to an extent did he know what old habits meant.

"She's been taking pills for months now, we found her in an ally yesterday snorting lines of coke. Blair's had it with her, Chuck tried getting threw to her and I can't sit back and watch her destroy herself anymore."

Chuck trying to get threw to Serena would have made him laugh if he hadn't been so fully of worry. Chuck trying to be the smarter one and one up anyone would have usually made him laugh. Not today, it was certainly not how Dan reacted to it. Instead it made him feel shaky, she wasn't herself. She needed him as much as he needed her.

"She's in the emergency room with Blair."

Dan felt his face go white as the words left Chuck's mouth. He needed to head there, he needed to be with her.

"Dan, that's not it"

He turned back from his rout to his bedroom to get a shirt. What more could be wrong with her. It couldn't have been any worse could it have?

"They think she's having a miscarriage, she was bleeding pretty badly this morning."

Dan felt his entire body freeze, as much as he wanted to be mad at her he couldn't be. She was pregnant with their child and she'd never told him. He could have taken care of her, he could have taken care of them and he never even had the chance to do so. And now she was losing their baby and he wasn't there with her.

Sometimes happen for a reason and some things just happened at the wrong time due to misunderstandings. All he wanted as to hold her close to him and whisper that everything would somehow be ok.

(stay)If you leave me tonight,  
(close) I'll wake up alone,  
(don't)don't tell me I will  
(go)make it on my own,  
(stay)don't leave me tonight,  
(close)this heart of stone  
(don't) will sing till it dies  
(go)if you leave me tonight.  
Don't leave me tonight


	8. Fall For You

**Authors note**: Thank you so much for all of your reviews. This is the last chapter but the author's not at the bottom will tell you more. The son is **Fall For You** by: **Secondhand Serenade** of course. Personally I think this is the PERFECT Dan/Serena song as of now.

His thoughts felt completely rambled, everything was hitting him at once. Everything was a blur as he grabbed the closest button down shirt off the end of his bed and threw it on buttoning it as he followed the two guys that he'd never exactly gotten along with in the past. Numbness seemed to be rushing threw every pore in his body. Serena was falling apart, Serena was hurting, Serena was slowly killing herself. He's jumped to so many conclusions, he'd thought she'd moved on. How could Dan have been quite so wrong?

Maybe if he'd looked a little closer that night he would have seen her emotional pain. He'd been to blinded with resentment to even think of her pain. They were one in the same. Both mourning the loss of each other and trying to find something else to disguise it. Serena had gone to drugs, gone back to drugs. The drugs were yet another thing in her past that he hadn't known about. He'd fallen into Vanessa, thinking that she could help him get threw it all. He'd used her and made their friendship as far away as he could have managed.

Then there was the case of the baby, Serena was pregnant. It was a word that in a way sounded so foreign to his mind. They'd actually created another life. Even in their carelessness something had come from how much he loved her and vise versa.

Why hadn't he seen it? He should have paid more attention to her, she really needed him and she really meant it when she said they were forever.

"Lets go asshole, we don't have much time"

Chucks obnoxious voice cut threw the clutter in his mind. That was right, he needed to get to the hospital. As quick as he could before it was to late. Serena needed him to be there. he was sure of it. She had to if both Nate and Chuck had come to get him.

"Chuck, can you lay off"

Dan's eyes rolled as he followed them out the door forgetting to even so much as say goodbye to Jenny. Who was now alone due to their father being on tour with the rest of the band. He wasn't exactly in the thinking state of mind.

"Lay off him Chuck, he's going threw the same thing's as S right now."

Nate spoke up soon as he'd hung up his cell phone and placed it back in his pocket. He seemed on edge yet trying to remain calm.

"I just don't want to see the low rent here hurt Serena more then he already has. How are we supposed to trust him with that one? He already knocked her up. "

Chuck rambled on as if Dan weren't standing with them. Dan wasn't the least bit surprised by it. After all Chuck had always treated him and said the same things about him. They would always be two people that wouldn't get along. Dan knew all to well that he didn't fit in with the UES crowd, but it didn't nor would it ever stop him from loving Serena more then anything else on earth.

The limo was already right outside waiting, door open with the driver waiting for them to get in. Dan hated limos. He hated the idea of being in one with Nate and Chuck. They made him feel inadequate, which he was sure Chuck loved doing.

As the limo started to move and Chuck downed his third shot Dan felt his nerves begin to rise them selves to his throat.

The best thing about tonight's that **we're not fighting  
**Could it be that we have been this way before  
I know you don't think that** I am trying**  
I know you're **wearing thin** down to the core

But **hold your breathe**  
Because tonight will be the night that **I will fall for you**  
Over again  
**Don't make me change my mind**  
Or I wont live to see another day  
**I swear it's true**  
Because a girl like you is impossible to find  
Your **impossible** to find

The seemingly heartless nurse had been treating Serena like she was a child who'd screwed up more then anyone else ever had. She was rough with her when she look her blood pressure. Serena was also positive that she'd had an arm of purple and blue from the needles from taking blood and the IV and banana bag to rush the rest of the rest of the toxins out of her. she was freezing, her fever up higher then normal, achy still. She'd finally lost her need for the drugs, especially when they put her in the dilemma she was in. the monitor was tightly wrapped around her stomach, keeping track of the other heartbeat far less strong then her own.

How the hell had she done this to herself? How's she done this to it? It was depending on her and now she wasn't quite sure if she could depend on herself. She'd truly fucked up. She could feel it with every move she made, her back was bothering her also.

"Hey S"

Blair peaked her head in the door, her best friend hadn't been herself in months, but today she saw how delicate and breakable she really was. Serena didn't respond to her, Serena's eyes simply stayed glued to the monitor. The black background with the scratched grey outline of the object fighting with everything it had. The faint washing machine sound had Serena entranced more then the image on the screen.

"Sweetie, it's ok."

Blair whispered as she reached for Serena's hands only to notice it was resting on the lump she'd refused to acknowledge at any other time. She'd never seen Serena look so grown up and so child like at the same time. Like her world was spinning and it was the only thing she could hold onto to keep it all from falling apart. Putting her perfectly manicured hand on Serena's shoulder she lightly squeezed, just to let her know that she wasn't alone. Though she still wanted to kill Cabbage Patch for even putting her into the problems she was having she could see how much she loved Dan. It was written all over her broken face, and all over the screen before them.

"I can't believe I did this B, I can't believe I'm laying here. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

Her horse choked up voice whispered as her wrecked, gloomy, sorrowful blue eyes stayed steady on the monitors grainy image. The coke baggy Chuck had extracted from her pocket when Blair and he had helped her change was far from her mind. For the first time since the aftermath of her mother's wedding she didn't want the drugs. She was actually resenting them. She was changing, this was changing her. into someone at the moment she was ready to become.

"you did irrational things S. you made dumb choices and stupid mistakes. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that you're doing a wonderful job. Because I think you've done some really shitty things lately. You could have lost your life with your behavior, not to mention what you're doing to that."

Blair's tone was even and still even as she laid it into Serena hard. Serena needed a wake up call she needed to make sure that the possibility of the washing machine's beat stopping completely was a total possibility. It could happen at any second and there was nothing anyone could do about it now.

"I know, I, I screwed up."

Serena's eyes finally left the screen to move down to her hands. Looking and wishing wasn't going to make anything go away but she could always try. Try to wish it all away, try to wish it all better, try to wish Dan there cradling her in his arms. She needed him to hold her. needed him to whisper that everything was going to be alright.

"Screwed up isn't even covering it S, this isn't like sleeping with Nate, or Pete overdosing. This isn't even like Georgina coming back. Your Pregnant Serena, you took narcotic after narcotic, you did drugs, you drank. All things that Lily tried to send you away for, the things you went to boarding school to get away from. You over use Serena, you not only put yourself in danger your killing the one thing you should be using to turn everything around.."

Tears were pricking her eyes again, they were building up more and faster. Blair was right, she was self destructive to the point of ending. It was effecting everyone around her. all she wanted was it all to stop, for everything to just turn around and get better.

"B, I think I need some time alone"

**This is not what I intended**  
**I always swore** to you **I'd never fall apart**  
You always thought that I was stronger  
I may have failed  
But **I have loved you from the start**  
Ohhhh

But hold your breathe  
Because tonight will be the night that I will **fall for you**  
Over again  
Don't make me change my mind  
Or I wont live to see another day  
I swear it's true  
**Because a girl like you is impossible to find  
**It's impossible

Her lip was quivering, it was the before hand of a breakdown. She needed to be alone, she just needed to be alone and cry it all out. No thinking, no remembering the things she'd done wrong, she just needed to be in the moment. Curling her knees up to her chest as far as they could over her stomach she flinched her body away from Blair needed just to be alone.

Blair stood against the doorway looking in on Serena, she felt guilty about what she'd done and how hostile she'd been. But Serena needed to see what she'd done was wrong. She couldn't be babied anymore. After letting the guy in the ally lay his scummy hands all over her body Blair didn't want to see it happen again.

"How is she?"

She felt Chucks hands on her arms and automatically she leaned back against his chest. Regardless if they fought all the time Blair just needed him to be sweet, butterflies, Chuck for a moment in time. He obliged as he kissed the top of his head. He did have a heart he just neglected to use it at points.

"I yelled at her, and I don't think I should have."

She confessed as Nate and Dan both started to be coming into view. Blair sneered as Chuck leaned his head down to her ear.

"Be nice B, he didn't do anything. Regardless if he's a jackass."

That hadn't ever kept Blair down in the past and it sure as hell wasn't going to keep her down this time. She wanted Dan to feel as lousy as she'd made Serena feel. After all he deserved it also. It took two to start it.

"Is she… are they alright?"

his voice made Blair want to be violent, as she thrust herself out of Chuck's grip only to be caught by Nate.

"Don't do this Blair"

He whispered warningly knowing it wasn't going to do any good. The only thing he could do was make sure she didn't try and punch him.

"You stupid, selfish, son of a bitch. Who the fuck do you think you are leaving her alone in the state she fell into, I blame you for this, I swear, if she didn't love you so much I would run you and your reputation stealing sister right out of the city."

Dan stood there taking all of her words in and not trying to defend himself or joke his way out of anything. He really didn't care what she had to say to him. The only thing he wanted was to was hold Serena in his arms. Plan to the future with her, they were forever as she liked to say.

"The second you upset her, I swear to god I will make you wish you never touched her."

It was then that Blair noticed that Dan was no longer paying her any mind. He was standing against the door way looking in at Serena. All three of them could see the lonely, lost, missing look in Dan's eyes. It was much the same as the look in Serena's also.

His eyes fell upon her fragile figure lying in the cold white hospital bed. He hated hospitals and he knew she did also. It'd been one of their random talks long ago. Back when they'd actually exhausted every topic under the sun. Now as he watched her his eyes glued to her body in a sobbing ball, head tucked into arms tightly, knees in a fetal position he knew exactly what she was feeling. The same feelings were crushing his own heart into a million little pieces. She'd let Serena down, he'd let them down.

All of his anger about her not telling him things, his distress over the things he'd done with Georgina, and how he'd jumped to conclusions over Nate carrying her broken body all washed away the moment he saw her co completely torn up. She hadn't even looked up at the door. He knew her well, she didn't care who else was around. She was hurt and grieving.

Dan didn't care how she would react or what she would do as he slightly shaking from nerves edged closer to her bed. He put his hand on the curve of her hip, a paced he'd longed for months to touch. She still gave him the butterflies. How much he loved her wasn't even a question. She didn't flinch for a moment, she didn't even turn to look at him. Almost like she was to guilty to.

He got into the small hospital bed beside her pulling her closer to him and forcing her to turn around, his arms held onto her tightly as she nestled herself into his chest. Dan kissed Serena's forehead and ran his fingers threw her long matted blonde hair.

So breathe in so deep  
Breathe me in  
I'm yours to keep  
And hold onto your words  
Cause talk is cheap  
And remember me tonight  
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you  
Over again  
Don't make me change my mind  
Or I wont live to see another day  
I swear it's true  
Because a girl like you is impossible to find  
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you  
Over again  
Don't make me change my mind  
Or I wont live to see another day  
I swear it's true  
Because a girl like you is impossible to find  
Your impossible to find

**Note #2**: since I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to end it I've decided not to. Instead I'm going to turn it into **two **sequels! They should be up shortly. I had so much fun writing this and I'm hoping that you'll all read the next ones or one. Thank you all again!


End file.
